Shabby Miss Jenn

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Words you never want to say

While thrashing around my bathroom floor, clutching at my chest.... I thought I was having a heart attack.
It was the most painful and scariest moments of my life.

It came out of nowhere.

I had worked my shift. Nothing out of the usual there. Our freezer section had broke down and I moved all our frozen food to the freezer out back. I didn't feel like it was any more difficult a day at work then any other.
Hubby had an amazing tasty stew ready to eat when I got back home. We chatted about the things that had gone on while we'd been apart. Ladled our stew over the rice we'd cooked and went upstairs. I was a little bit more hungry then I had first thought so ate it quite quickly.
Slid over to my computer to read emails and do a bit of FB time.
Next thing I knew I was feeling a bit "off".   Got up from my computer chair and took a tums. It felt like a really bad case of heartburn was starting. I had a very strong urge to burp but wasn't able to. I broke out into a sweat. About halfway down the stairs, I began to feel like I might pass out. I thought I just need to make it to the bottom so if I pass out, I don't fall down them.
Once at the bottom of the stairs, it was like a huge band was wrapped around my chest. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't inhale deeply at all.
I tore my bra off thinking it might help with the pressure.
I made it into our bathroom and was sick twice. Thought that I would begin to feel better after that but nope. I had been talking to myself thru this whole thing and all of a sudden it was like I was under water. I sounded far off and almost like an echo. I lowered myself to the bathroom floor thinking maybe if I somehow cooled myself down, it would help.

Then the spasms started happening.
Not a shooting sharp pain.
Just like a heavy brick was in my chest and shifting around.
I found it hard to breath.
It hurt to lay down. It hurt to move onto my back. It hurt to lay on my side.
It hurt.
It hurt bad.
I hollered his name and he found me thrashing about the floor clutching my chest. I was yelling and moaning out in pain. The spasms were happening one right after the other. I was all over the floor.
I looked at him and said...

" I think I'm having a heart attack....take me to a hospital"

Purse was grabbed for it held my health card etc, jacket grabbed, boots slipped on and we were out the door. I couldn't get comfortable in the seat and kept shifting. I thought I was going to pass out once the pain was so intense.

We pull up the emergency entrance of the hospital and from the corner of my eye, I can see my parents car pull up beside us. I'm clutching my chest and yelling out in pain. I could see the horror on my mother's face. It was heartbreaking and I so wanted to hug her right at that moment and tell her I was going to be ok. I just clutched my chest again and thought, sweet lord she won't be able to handle seeing me die in front of her.

Walking up to the nurses station, I threw myself down onto their counter, clutching my chest and near in tears from the pain. I'm whisked into a side room and sticker tabs for an EKG are attached. Blood pressure is taken. Bells and whistles are going off around me. I'm feeling like this is all that I can handle.

It's determined that it's not a heart attack but I'm still thrashing and something is obviously wrong.
They tell me to try and stay calm and relax. Then they leave the room and we wait..... and wait....and wait.....  all the time thrashing and clutching my chest.

At one point I break out in another sweat and tears are flowing. If this isn't a heart attack then what the hell is going on in my chest. Nurses come and go. Asking questions and me doing the best to answer them.

The heaviness remains but the spasms have finally started to slack off in length and intensity.
The Dr comes in and asks a bunch of questions. He comes over to the bed and starts poking me in different areas. Gall bladder attack is ruled out etc etc.

I tell him if he could get me a giant marker that I could pinpoint the exact spot on my chest and back where the heaviness is occurring and pain.
He gets me to lay back flat and starts pushing in on my chest.
From my reaction, he says he was almost positive I in the midst of a Costochondritis attack.
It can mimic a heart attack.

See those light blue pieces?
Those are what is inflamed in my chest.

I was given a shot of a very strong anti- inflammatory drug. Burned like crazy.
I am also on a regiment of  anti-inflammatory pills.
The dr also prescribed a muscle relaxer to take.

He wants me to rest for a few days and let the medicine take effect within my body.
So work was called and I am off for a few days.
Pills are being popped. Sleep is happening too.

It was something right out of the blue and I hope to never have to go thru it again.


Wednesday, November 06, 2013

How are you defined?

The other morning while chatting with an acquaintance, she told me I was one of "those people" that was easiest to describe to her other friends. I was a bit perplexed by this and asked her what she meant. She said that I didn't hide the real me from anyone. She knew all about me. She used finger quotes.


One of those people?? She knows everything about me??? I sometimes have forgotten what this woman's last name is. We are CASUAL friends. Like every few months, we may run into each other while buying milk; sort of friends.

So it got my mind racing of course....... how do folks see me?
Am I an open book? Do I not have moments of "me" that aren't all out in someone's face?
Am I easily defined by others?
Do their definitions effect how I see myself or how I project onto others?
Are they seeing the real me?

I did what had to be done...... I went to Facebook and asked folks to describe me.

 beautiful soul that makes me smile
 thought provoking
 Down to earth
 enjoys the simple things
 very poetic 
 free spirit
 Talented artist
beautiful on the inside and out
no inhibitions
nut job
true all the way to the bone friend
Funny and encouraging
sometimes moody 
Extremely creative
totally non-judgmental
Kaleidoscope...colorful and full of endless possibilities

Now let me just add "humbled" to that list.

I don't do fake well.
I'm really bad at faking being nice.
You will totally hear about it if I find YOU happen to be coming across as fake.

I try my very best to project my authentic self.
In my mind, the world would be a much happier place if fake just never happened.
I'm not saying it's all sunshine and glorious kitty kisses all the time.
There are plenty of times that I can be quite the little cloud of fire and brimstone and it's a good idea to keep a wide berth.

I'm a firm believer in energy and what you project outward is also what gets reflected back at you.
As I've grown older, I've done my best to draw into my circle those that  bring with them:

Laughter..... the kind that makes your sides ache
Silliness.... the kind that makes you feel young at heart
Joy... from the mere mention of their name in conversation
Inspiration.... for my artwork, my home, how to be a better "me"

and my closest friends bring me LIGHT.

Too many of my days are fought fighting the darkness of my soul.
I draw upon the Light of my friends to heal on those days.

From those that took the time to answer my question on Facebook, I thank you.
Your answers showed that I'm walking the right path.
Those are amazing ways to be described by others.
I promise to continue to be just who I am!